It's "Fuck You, Ellie" Season!

So.

Dad has duodenal cancer. It's contained and not spreading, but it's still cancer. He has already been in the hospital for 12 days, stuck with needles and tubes. He is going to be moved to the UK at some point for an operation but we still don't know when. And this cancer grows.

John is 3,700 miles away and I miss him so fucking much. It will have been 6 months apart by the time I see him again. I hate this distance.

Owen is dating Isla, and Emma is threatening to break all his bones if he hurts her. Was my significant hurt not enough to warrant bone-breaking? That relationship and subsequent encounters fucked me up. I was not okay, and apparently that's fine.

My workload is stressful. Three 3000-word essays and associated 10-minute presentations, a group cruise report and a <20-page individual report, a <10-page report, a 400-500-word popular science article, plus dissertation work. I have an extension for Falmouth, but I can still feel the panic creeping up my throat inch by inch. Failure is imminent.

I don't want it.

The Post I Just Failed To Post

"And then there's fisting...



Yup, vaginas are pretty amazing."

Yeah, well, it's not the size of a baby's head, so it's not that impressive.

---

Fuuuuuuck, I so want to post that. It's not snarky to the author of the quotes post, but rather to an earlier post. Context: dude has threesome, posts about DP-ing the girl in the vajayjay with her boyfriend. I say, "Wow, that sounds stretchy." She jumps in with

"Two penises has nothing on the size of an infant's head."

Dude who actually had the threesome says

"We...we didn't try putting one of those in her...calm down, E"

"I'm perfectly calm. I just think it's silly to underestimate the elasticity of a properly motivated vagina."

"It's not underestimating. It stretched. I was kind of there. Not saying anything absurd about vaginas and their abilities to only expand with penises, but stretching is stretching is stretching."

And she ends with

"I'm just going to go hang out in threads where I feel like I'm having the same conversation as everyone else."

Like, the fuck? She is the kind of person who would say it's uncool to invalidate someone's experience just because someone else has it worse (or BIGGER). So... hypocritical much? And Jesus FUCK why get defensive/offended/dismissive? Urrgh.

Yo ho!

Hey there, blog! Man, I should get to sleep. But I've been looking back through forum threads and reminiscing about stuffs. Jeebus, that sounds kinda sad. But hey-ho.

John is in Fawkeer currently, so I am left to my own devices for another day. Need to do some washing. And find something to do with all this yarn his mum has given me. I want to do some amigurumi but I don't have any stuffing. Hmmmm...

Fuck, I don't want to go home. I really, really don't. Visiting John for such a long time was a good idea, because we've become really comfortable with each other and I have realised I'm actually really rather in love with him. But staying for longer means going home is going to be even more painful. I don't think I can face not falling asleep with him and not having breakfast together or driving somewhere together or just BEING together. But I have to. I have to man up and knuckle down and... crabwalk sideways? I dunno. This year is going to be fucking tough and I need to be able to get through it. Not having John physically with me is going to make it infinitely worse, too. Oh man.

I am going to need to up my Remembering To Take My Pills game. Because otherwise I think I will probably have some kind of breakdown.

But, separation anxiety aside, this holiday has been so wonderful. It's not so fun when John's at work, but I talk to his mum and his brother and play WoW and work in the garden. When he's here I love just doing nothing as much as going out somewhere for a daytrip. Oops, back into the barfstab!

America is a strange place. Guns and flags and churches, oh my! But I have yet to meet a horrible person. Everyone I've spoken to (with the exception of one family member who looked at me like I was a dog turd on their shoe) has been absolutely lovely. Americans are very good at being interested.

One totes amazeballs (sorry...) thing I did was meet a lady from VIMS (the Virginia Institute of Marine Science)! John's mum's friend's friend's husband is the Oyster King of Virginia, and his wife knows a bunch of people at VIMS, and so she got me in touch with a lady who gave me a tour then took me out on the boat. SO AWESOME. And she gave me her email address so that if I find a job at VIMS I like the look of I can send her a message and she'll put in a good word for me! Networking, guise.

Anyway, it's late, so I'll sign off now. 01:31, in fact. EST, man.

Bad thing

I did a bad thing.

I don't know what to do.

Can't post about it. Have talked to one person. Not much help.

fuck me and my stupid face

Continue the conversaaaaaaaation.

=/

Wanting someone to ask how your day went isn't selfish, is it? I'm pretty sure it's not. But I might be wrong.

Buh. Passive-aggressive. Sorry, lovely, if you're reading this. I just enjoy reciprocation with the questions, is all. And knowing that you do actually want to know about how I am. But anyway. Passive-aggression abounds! I'm going to go eat something.

N'aww

Feelin' all barfstabby today. Little things.

Bleh

I hate that I feel bad for asking someone to stop doing something because I don't like it. Maybe I'm just easily guilt-tripped and/or manipulated. Still, it needed to be said.

I also hate that this happened on the forum, meaning I can't post about it there. Bums.

Oh well. Hopefully not an issue anymore.

EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE

As above, EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE

Quiet, you. I need my squees.

Hello!

Hey there, Blog. Sorry I haven't been around. Well, I'm not that sorry, really. I just haven't really thought to put anything on here. In the meantime, have a little post.

Ahhhhhhhhh, I very much like another forum member! One in America. And by "like" I mean "like-like". Buuuuuhhhhhh, I can never make things easy for myself, can I? Ne'mind. I'm gonna try and be optimistic about this one. If I can get over there, and make my feelings known, this might actually work out. Who knows?

Uh... I can't really think what else I can tell you. I'm a little sozzled right now. I'm... in my third year of uni. That's happened. I'm at Zosia's at the moment. Not looking forward to going back and having all my work thrust back onto my shoulders. I really should be doing it now but I spent the afternoon wandering around on the Internet and I'm not about to start now.

Being called for dinner. Bye, blog!