It's "Fuck You, Ellie" Season!

So.

Dad has duodenal cancer. It's contained and not spreading, but it's still cancer. He has already been in the hospital for 12 days, stuck with needles and tubes. He is going to be moved to the UK at some point for an operation but we still don't know when. And this cancer grows.

John is 3,700 miles away and I miss him so fucking much. It will have been 6 months apart by the time I see him again. I hate this distance.

Owen is dating Isla, and Emma is threatening to break all his bones if he hurts her. Was my significant hurt not enough to warrant bone-breaking? That relationship and subsequent encounters fucked me up. I was not okay, and apparently that's fine.

My workload is stressful. Three 3000-word essays and associated 10-minute presentations, a group cruise report and a <20-page individual report, a <10-page report, a 400-500-word popular science article, plus dissertation work. I have an extension for Falmouth, but I can still feel the panic creeping up my throat inch by inch. Failure is imminent.

I don't want it.

The Post I Just Failed To Post

"And then there's fisting...



Yup, vaginas are pretty amazing."

Yeah, well, it's not the size of a baby's head, so it's not that impressive.

---

Fuuuuuuck, I so want to post that. It's not snarky to the author of the quotes post, but rather to an earlier post. Context: dude has threesome, posts about DP-ing the girl in the vajayjay with her boyfriend. I say, "Wow, that sounds stretchy." She jumps in with

"Two penises has nothing on the size of an infant's head."

Dude who actually had the threesome says

"We...we didn't try putting one of those in her...calm down, E"

"I'm perfectly calm. I just think it's silly to underestimate the elasticity of a properly motivated vagina."

"It's not underestimating. It stretched. I was kind of there. Not saying anything absurd about vaginas and their abilities to only expand with penises, but stretching is stretching is stretching."

And she ends with

"I'm just going to go hang out in threads where I feel like I'm having the same conversation as everyone else."

Like, the fuck? She is the kind of person who would say it's uncool to invalidate someone's experience just because someone else has it worse (or BIGGER). So... hypocritical much? And Jesus FUCK why get defensive/offended/dismissive? Urrgh.

Yo ho!

Hey there, blog! Man, I should get to sleep. But I've been looking back through forum threads and reminiscing about stuffs. Jeebus, that sounds kinda sad. But hey-ho.

John is in Fawkeer currently, so I am left to my own devices for another day. Need to do some washing. And find something to do with all this yarn his mum has given me. I want to do some amigurumi but I don't have any stuffing. Hmmmm...

Fuck, I don't want to go home. I really, really don't. Visiting John for such a long time was a good idea, because we've become really comfortable with each other and I have realised I'm actually really rather in love with him. But staying for longer means going home is going to be even more painful. I don't think I can face not falling asleep with him and not having breakfast together or driving somewhere together or just BEING together. But I have to. I have to man up and knuckle down and... crabwalk sideways? I dunno. This year is going to be fucking tough and I need to be able to get through it. Not having John physically with me is going to make it infinitely worse, too. Oh man.

I am going to need to up my Remembering To Take My Pills game. Because otherwise I think I will probably have some kind of breakdown.

But, separation anxiety aside, this holiday has been so wonderful. It's not so fun when John's at work, but I talk to his mum and his brother and play WoW and work in the garden. When he's here I love just doing nothing as much as going out somewhere for a daytrip. Oops, back into the barfstab!

America is a strange place. Guns and flags and churches, oh my! But I have yet to meet a horrible person. Everyone I've spoken to (with the exception of one family member who looked at me like I was a dog turd on their shoe) has been absolutely lovely. Americans are very good at being interested.

One totes amazeballs (sorry...) thing I did was meet a lady from VIMS (the Virginia Institute of Marine Science)! John's mum's friend's friend's husband is the Oyster King of Virginia, and his wife knows a bunch of people at VIMS, and so she got me in touch with a lady who gave me a tour then took me out on the boat. SO AWESOME. And she gave me her email address so that if I find a job at VIMS I like the look of I can send her a message and she'll put in a good word for me! Networking, guise.

Anyway, it's late, so I'll sign off now. 01:31, in fact. EST, man.

Bad thing

I did a bad thing.

I don't know what to do.

Can't post about it. Have talked to one person. Not much help.

fuck me and my stupid face

Continue the conversaaaaaaaation.

=/

Wanting someone to ask how your day went isn't selfish, is it? I'm pretty sure it's not. But I might be wrong.

Buh. Passive-aggressive. Sorry, lovely, if you're reading this. I just enjoy reciprocation with the questions, is all. And knowing that you do actually want to know about how I am. But anyway. Passive-aggression abounds! I'm going to go eat something.

N'aww

Feelin' all barfstabby today. Little things.

Bleh

I hate that I feel bad for asking someone to stop doing something because I don't like it. Maybe I'm just easily guilt-tripped and/or manipulated. Still, it needed to be said.

I also hate that this happened on the forum, meaning I can't post about it there. Bums.

Oh well. Hopefully not an issue anymore.

EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE

As above, EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE

Quiet, you. I need my squees.

Hello!

Hey there, Blog. Sorry I haven't been around. Well, I'm not that sorry, really. I just haven't really thought to put anything on here. In the meantime, have a little post.

Ahhhhhhhhh, I very much like another forum member! One in America. And by "like" I mean "like-like". Buuuuuhhhhhh, I can never make things easy for myself, can I? Ne'mind. I'm gonna try and be optimistic about this one. If I can get over there, and make my feelings known, this might actually work out. Who knows?

Uh... I can't really think what else I can tell you. I'm a little sozzled right now. I'm... in my third year of uni. That's happened. I'm at Zosia's at the moment. Not looking forward to going back and having all my work thrust back onto my shoulders. I really should be doing it now but I spent the afternoon wandering around on the Internet and I'm not about to start now.

Being called for dinner. Bye, blog!

Eep

I am kind of worried that I have some horrible side of me that my friends see and I don't. I have had two of my best friends tell me big things about themselves, and started their messages to me with "I'm really scared you'll hate me after I tell you this, but...", and while I am aware that it is probably just them being really scared of telling anyone their secret with the irrational fear that me now knowing this about them will suddenly mean that they are no longer the person I was friends with, I have also had a group of friends tell me that I have a "face" that I put on sometimes that means I am angry and they are almost scared of doing something to upset me. I had no idea I had this "face".

What is wrong with me?! :(

Oh God, THINGS

So, many things have happened recently. I say many. There have been a few. For one, I went to the doctor and got given a prescription for an antidepressant and advised to go and see a counsellor. Another one is that O came back for the last week of term. We'll focus on this one.

Jesus, where to begin? On Wednesday, as we were chopping up vegetables and preparing things for our house Christmas meal, I got a Facebook message from O asking if I would like to have lunch with him the next day to catch up. This was completely out of the blue (as I had been convinced he hated me after I sent him a rather clingy and not very well-worded email), so I was quite perturbed and didn't know what to do. I eventually replied and said yes, that would be great. It actually was fine in the end. I was so terrified that it would be awful, but we are surprisingly good at making things not-awkward when we need to, so it was actually a very nice chat. I thought that, as he seemed to be over me completely and fine with us just being friends, that would help me get rid of my last remnants of romantic feeling for him and move on.

That evening it was the K Xmas Closing Ceremony, which was much fun, and of course there was sake in the dojo and then sake in the showers. I was very merry by the time we left the SUSU building. In the Stag's there was much drinking and talking and eating of pizza, and Tenchi Ken Dai Beeru (or TKD Ginger Joe, in mine and N's case). I got very, very drunk. So did everyone else, so that's not overly bad. I ended up telling both T and S that I have been rather in love with J for a while, but not much discussion happened. However, I was also losing my inhibition about talking to and getting overly friendly with O. When we finally left, we made our way to the K House.

We all slobbed on the sofa for a while, which is where the bad things began. O and I got very cuddly, and, although I had asked T to stop me doing anything stupid which she tried to do, I told her that it was okay to leave me with him and not to force me to go home. Stupid. Most people went home, and I stayed over with O. I don't need to describe the night in detail, I'm sure you can guess what happened.

Drink is a difficult beast. It was great that I wasn't so awkward around him and I was feeling quite confident about myself, but it also actually made me do the thing in the first place which I am pretty sure was the worst idea in the history of bad ideas. It also made Sleepy O very very forthcoming with his feelings, which did not help at all with the vague "maybe this will help me get over him" notion I had going on.

Being told that you are partly the reason why somebody hasn't been suicidal really really makes you want to be able to be around them all the time to make sure you can continue doing so. When you know you can't be around them all the time and potentially will never be able to ever again, your brain doesn't really know what to do with itself. I am not sure I will now ever be able to get over him, because I know that he still very much likes me (and even needs me, apparently), as I do him. He also talked a lot about why he feels he needs to get the job in L, which made me very, very sad indeed. There are many many issues going on in his mind, and all I want to do is be there and be able to reassure him that he doesn't need to see himself or see the world like he does, because he is so so wonderful as he is.

Anyway, so that happened. I don't think the fact that I hadn't been able to take the proper dosage of my medication for a couple of days helped with my state of mind, either. I told him about those, too, though that may have been a bad idea. He was very sympathetic. I went home about midday, horrifically hungover and just generally feeling awful. The Xmas Meal was that evening, and we hardly spoke. I ended up going home early and crying for a while because I felt so bad about everything. Though I was pretty sure it was a bad idea, I sent him a message on Saturday asking if he would like to stay over one last time, since I wasn't going to see him again before we both went home, but he said he didn't think he should, since he doesn't know when he'd be able to come back consistently again. It was well-meaning and sensible, but I felt so rejected and hurt.

I don't know what to do now. I know I should get on with my life and not wait for him to come back, because there is no guarantee that he will, but I miss him so much. On Friday morning he actually got an email from an old lecturer saying that there was a job going in R, and he is considering applying for it if he doesn't get the one back home. It is ridiculous how much I want him to get the one in R, because that is a much more reachable place.

Fuckin' BRAINS, maaaan.

Srsly, though, brains are shit at doing what you want them to. Or, more accurately, shit at NOT doing what you DON'T want them to.

plaaacehooolder

I need to write about the seminar weekend!

HAPPINESS

Dear sweet Queer Lesbian Jesus I have laughed so much today. Today has been a good day.

This. THIS completely made my day. I have watched it at least 10 times. I never fail to convulse in hysterics.

Then if THAT weren't enough, I heard that Firefly is going to be having a special reunion episode, then ended up typing in pedantic telegraphese again for a while, then recorded this because of BEAUTIFUL REASONS, then got to 10,000 posts (finally leaving Chris Gaines behind me) and received an outpouring of love (along with a couple of threats to expose my sordid past of questionable dealings with plankton with grainy photographs).

I like today muchly.

Ohhhhh

Um. Yes. About the "everything is shit" post...

Owen broke up with me on the 4th of June. I'm going to lift the explanation from VS because I can't be bothered typing it all out again. Plus I can't actually remember all of it off the top of my head, which is maybe a good thing? Probably.

What's making you sad? 
by ezeebee » 04 Jun 2012, 16:27
KG broke up with me today. It was in a... well, not a nice way, not at all, but it wasn't like "I hate you and never want to see you again", which I'm pathetically glad about. He told me he's been very depressed for about two years, and it got a lot worse after Christmas, and he didn't want that to be something that I felt like I needed to help him with. Because of the depression, he isn't going to do his Masters next year, and so is going home to Ireland, and having tried long-distance relationships before he found that they just made each party more and more bitter towards the other, which was horrible, and he didn't want that to happen with us. So we aren't going out anymore. Which fucking sucks. I have managed to get to a point where I can force myself to stop crying about it surprisingly quickly, so I suppose that's a good thing. Still, I am consuming much tea and watching things that have as little romance in them as possible. Three months and a day! Better than my previous, non-existent relationships. I'm glad that it was amicable, because he's still awesome and I like being his friend. But, yes. I'm sad. Very sad.

So there's that. Never mind, eh? I'm sure I'll find someone else just as awesome if not moreso at some point. I am feeling all the better now, anyhoo. :)

Everything is shit

Title pretty much says it all, really. I'll elaborate in time.

Um.

So, I should probably write a post that isn't just me whinging on and on. I mean, it's going to be a bit, but not the whole thing. Probably.

So, I have finished my first year at university! That's pretty terrifying. I did my last exam on Thursday, which was Marine Ecology. I had 4 in total: Dynamic Earth (practical), 14th May; Physical Oceanography, 24th May; Dynamic Earth again, 28th May; and Marine Ecology, 31st May.

The Dynamic Earth practical was pretty horrific. The first question (of two) wasn't too bad, since it was comprised of pretty much everything we'd already done: structure contours, order of depostition, etc.. The second question, however, was just... UGH. You had to use spot heights (which we had never used before) to find out the dip of the beds, and see that they were in a syncline, and try and somehow structure contour this map even though no two heights were the same. I made pretty much everything up on that question. Becca did the same, as I suspect a lot of other people did, so hopefully they'll realise what a stupid question it was and make the marks reflect that.

Physical Oceanography was surprisingly less horrible than I had been anticipating. I gave a very thorough answer to a question about intruments to measure things at depth, which was good. I also managed to bluff my way through the question about the equations of motion. The other question I did was on tides, which I could have known more about, but hey-ho.

The Dynamic Earth exam was not fun at all. It was one of those exams where you open the paper and just have to laugh at how little you know. I managed to answer everything, so that's good, but sweet FSM it was nasty. There was a question asking to explain the term "diachroneity", and I was absolutely kicking myself because it's everywhere in the module and I had read the definition at least twice.

Marine Ecology was actually worse than I thought it would be. I must admit, I had kind of been counting on the fact that it was mosty multiple choice to mean that it would be easier than the others, but the questions were all really pernickety. I'm pretty sure I've passed, just maybe not amazingly.

I need to get my revision head on properly next time. I was way too blasé about everything. Never mind. If I do badly that will be a lesson learned. If I somehow do well, I will need to absolutely force myself to remember how it felt being in an exam and feeling like I knew nothing.

ANYWAY. Enough about exams. Although, at least while I was doing exams I had a good excuse to be sitting in my room alone. Now it's just sad. I'm bored and lonely and I should be doing something about it. It's the End Of Exams Kempo Social tonight, though, so that should be fun. Well, it would be better if Owen came.

Owen. He's very much the reason I'm feeling lonely. Well, that and my crippling attachment to staying indoors and doing nothing of importance. I haven't seen him for two weeks, which compared to various people and long-distance relationships is nothing, but I'd gotten used to seeing him relatively often. He hasn't even been to any movie evenings at the Kempo houses, or the pub after training, which fucking sucks. Seeing Greg and Emma, and Urs and Gemma, together and knowing that I could be in the same position is not nice at all. Although, I have been overly emotional recently. Crying at pretty much everything. I cried at Howl's Moving Castle today! Mod help me.

I know I shouldn't be this upset about it. Rationally, I know that his dissertation is incredibly important and he needs to finish it soon and make it the best he can, but irrationally I kind of horribly want him to have a mini breakdown and come to me for comfort and then I'd make him feel better and then he'd go back to it all happy and finish it sooner. That is the only scenario in which I can imagine him seeing me at the moment. I guess I just thrive on misery, being a horrible person an' all. Anyhoo, I've pretty much given up on all hope of seeing him before I go home. He said he wasn't expecting to be finished by the 8th of June, and I leave on the 16th, so... He also basically dismissed the idea of me visiting him in summer. I'll ask him again (if I ever see him again, that is), but that really sucked.

Ha! So much for not whining. Might as well get it all out.

Facebook is a little bitch of a cuntbucket, and in no way resembles a good way to keep in touch. With Owen, at least. Although it is probably just my neuroticism, that I read the worst things into what he says and always come to the conclusion that I am just annoying him every time I send him a message or a funny picture or anything, and he wishes he had never agreed to go out with me.

So, um. I'll finish with something nice.

I'm Secretary for Kempo now! Teresa gave me a huuuuuge file full of paperwork in our handing-over meeting, and I'm now expected to deal with things like grading forms and the closing ceremony (which is on Thursday, although Teresa is now the Treasurer and still on the committee so she's been organising the sake and stuff already), which is going to be interesting.

Just drinking and weeping. That's not pathetic at all, is it? No, I didn't think so.

*stabs self in the face*

Woah.

I've just looked at my last few posts and HOLY SHIT DO I WHINE LIKE A BITCH. I'm sorry. I'm really sorry. I hope no-one is reading this, because that is just embarrassing. I may delete the last one. Yep, I'm going to delete it. My God.