Eep

I am kind of worried that I have some horrible side of me that my friends see and I don't. I have had two of my best friends tell me big things about themselves, and started their messages to me with "I'm really scared you'll hate me after I tell you this, but...", and while I am aware that it is probably just them being really scared of telling anyone their secret with the irrational fear that me now knowing this about them will suddenly mean that they are no longer the person I was friends with, I have also had a group of friends tell me that I have a "face" that I put on sometimes that means I am angry and they are almost scared of doing something to upset me. I had no idea I had this "face".

What is wrong with me?! :(

Oh God, THINGS

So, many things have happened recently. I say many. There have been a few. For one, I went to the doctor and got given a prescription for an antidepressant and advised to go and see a counsellor. Another one is that O came back for the last week of term. We'll focus on this one.

Jesus, where to begin? On Wednesday, as we were chopping up vegetables and preparing things for our house Christmas meal, I got a Facebook message from O asking if I would like to have lunch with him the next day to catch up. This was completely out of the blue (as I had been convinced he hated me after I sent him a rather clingy and not very well-worded email), so I was quite perturbed and didn't know what to do. I eventually replied and said yes, that would be great. It actually was fine in the end. I was so terrified that it would be awful, but we are surprisingly good at making things not-awkward when we need to, so it was actually a very nice chat. I thought that, as he seemed to be over me completely and fine with us just being friends, that would help me get rid of my last remnants of romantic feeling for him and move on.

That evening it was the K Xmas Closing Ceremony, which was much fun, and of course there was sake in the dojo and then sake in the showers. I was very merry by the time we left the SUSU building. In the Stag's there was much drinking and talking and eating of pizza, and Tenchi Ken Dai Beeru (or TKD Ginger Joe, in mine and N's case). I got very, very drunk. So did everyone else, so that's not overly bad. I ended up telling both T and S that I have been rather in love with J for a while, but not much discussion happened. However, I was also losing my inhibition about talking to and getting overly friendly with O. When we finally left, we made our way to the K House.

We all slobbed on the sofa for a while, which is where the bad things began. O and I got very cuddly, and, although I had asked T to stop me doing anything stupid which she tried to do, I told her that it was okay to leave me with him and not to force me to go home. Stupid. Most people went home, and I stayed over with O. I don't need to describe the night in detail, I'm sure you can guess what happened.

Drink is a difficult beast. It was great that I wasn't so awkward around him and I was feeling quite confident about myself, but it also actually made me do the thing in the first place which I am pretty sure was the worst idea in the history of bad ideas. It also made Sleepy O very very forthcoming with his feelings, which did not help at all with the vague "maybe this will help me get over him" notion I had going on.

Being told that you are partly the reason why somebody hasn't been suicidal really really makes you want to be able to be around them all the time to make sure you can continue doing so. When you know you can't be around them all the time and potentially will never be able to ever again, your brain doesn't really know what to do with itself. I am not sure I will now ever be able to get over him, because I know that he still very much likes me (and even needs me, apparently), as I do him. He also talked a lot about why he feels he needs to get the job in L, which made me very, very sad indeed. There are many many issues going on in his mind, and all I want to do is be there and be able to reassure him that he doesn't need to see himself or see the world like he does, because he is so so wonderful as he is.

Anyway, so that happened. I don't think the fact that I hadn't been able to take the proper dosage of my medication for a couple of days helped with my state of mind, either. I told him about those, too, though that may have been a bad idea. He was very sympathetic. I went home about midday, horrifically hungover and just generally feeling awful. The Xmas Meal was that evening, and we hardly spoke. I ended up going home early and crying for a while because I felt so bad about everything. Though I was pretty sure it was a bad idea, I sent him a message on Saturday asking if he would like to stay over one last time, since I wasn't going to see him again before we both went home, but he said he didn't think he should, since he doesn't know when he'd be able to come back consistently again. It was well-meaning and sensible, but I felt so rejected and hurt.

I don't know what to do now. I know I should get on with my life and not wait for him to come back, because there is no guarantee that he will, but I miss him so much. On Friday morning he actually got an email from an old lecturer saying that there was a job going in R, and he is considering applying for it if he doesn't get the one back home. It is ridiculous how much I want him to get the one in R, because that is a much more reachable place.

Fuckin' BRAINS, maaaan.

Srsly, though, brains are shit at doing what you want them to. Or, more accurately, shit at NOT doing what you DON'T want them to.

plaaacehooolder

I need to write about the seminar weekend!

HAPPINESS

Dear sweet Queer Lesbian Jesus I have laughed so much today. Today has been a good day.

This. THIS completely made my day. I have watched it at least 10 times. I never fail to convulse in hysterics.

Then if THAT weren't enough, I heard that Firefly is going to be having a special reunion episode, then ended up typing in pedantic telegraphese again for a while, then recorded this because of BEAUTIFUL REASONS, then got to 10,000 posts (finally leaving Chris Gaines behind me) and received an outpouring of love (along with a couple of threats to expose my sordid past of questionable dealings with plankton with grainy photographs).

I like today muchly.

Ohhhhh

Um. Yes. About the "everything is shit" post...

Owen broke up with me on the 4th of June. I'm going to lift the explanation from VS because I can't be bothered typing it all out again. Plus I can't actually remember all of it off the top of my head, which is maybe a good thing? Probably.

What's making you sad? 
by ezeebee » 04 Jun 2012, 16:27
KG broke up with me today. It was in a... well, not a nice way, not at all, but it wasn't like "I hate you and never want to see you again", which I'm pathetically glad about. He told me he's been very depressed for about two years, and it got a lot worse after Christmas, and he didn't want that to be something that I felt like I needed to help him with. Because of the depression, he isn't going to do his Masters next year, and so is going home to Ireland, and having tried long-distance relationships before he found that they just made each party more and more bitter towards the other, which was horrible, and he didn't want that to happen with us. So we aren't going out anymore. Which fucking sucks. I have managed to get to a point where I can force myself to stop crying about it surprisingly quickly, so I suppose that's a good thing. Still, I am consuming much tea and watching things that have as little romance in them as possible. Three months and a day! Better than my previous, non-existent relationships. I'm glad that it was amicable, because he's still awesome and I like being his friend. But, yes. I'm sad. Very sad.

So there's that. Never mind, eh? I'm sure I'll find someone else just as awesome if not moreso at some point. I am feeling all the better now, anyhoo. :)

Everything is shit

Title pretty much says it all, really. I'll elaborate in time.

Um.

So, I should probably write a post that isn't just me whinging on and on. I mean, it's going to be a bit, but not the whole thing. Probably.

So, I have finished my first year at university! That's pretty terrifying. I did my last exam on Thursday, which was Marine Ecology. I had 4 in total: Dynamic Earth (practical), 14th May; Physical Oceanography, 24th May; Dynamic Earth again, 28th May; and Marine Ecology, 31st May.

The Dynamic Earth practical was pretty horrific. The first question (of two) wasn't too bad, since it was comprised of pretty much everything we'd already done: structure contours, order of depostition, etc.. The second question, however, was just... UGH. You had to use spot heights (which we had never used before) to find out the dip of the beds, and see that they were in a syncline, and try and somehow structure contour this map even though no two heights were the same. I made pretty much everything up on that question. Becca did the same, as I suspect a lot of other people did, so hopefully they'll realise what a stupid question it was and make the marks reflect that.

Physical Oceanography was surprisingly less horrible than I had been anticipating. I gave a very thorough answer to a question about intruments to measure things at depth, which was good. I also managed to bluff my way through the question about the equations of motion. The other question I did was on tides, which I could have known more about, but hey-ho.

The Dynamic Earth exam was not fun at all. It was one of those exams where you open the paper and just have to laugh at how little you know. I managed to answer everything, so that's good, but sweet FSM it was nasty. There was a question asking to explain the term "diachroneity", and I was absolutely kicking myself because it's everywhere in the module and I had read the definition at least twice.

Marine Ecology was actually worse than I thought it would be. I must admit, I had kind of been counting on the fact that it was mosty multiple choice to mean that it would be easier than the others, but the questions were all really pernickety. I'm pretty sure I've passed, just maybe not amazingly.

I need to get my revision head on properly next time. I was way too blasé about everything. Never mind. If I do badly that will be a lesson learned. If I somehow do well, I will need to absolutely force myself to remember how it felt being in an exam and feeling like I knew nothing.

ANYWAY. Enough about exams. Although, at least while I was doing exams I had a good excuse to be sitting in my room alone. Now it's just sad. I'm bored and lonely and I should be doing something about it. It's the End Of Exams Kempo Social tonight, though, so that should be fun. Well, it would be better if Owen came.

Owen. He's very much the reason I'm feeling lonely. Well, that and my crippling attachment to staying indoors and doing nothing of importance. I haven't seen him for two weeks, which compared to various people and long-distance relationships is nothing, but I'd gotten used to seeing him relatively often. He hasn't even been to any movie evenings at the Kempo houses, or the pub after training, which fucking sucks. Seeing Greg and Emma, and Urs and Gemma, together and knowing that I could be in the same position is not nice at all. Although, I have been overly emotional recently. Crying at pretty much everything. I cried at Howl's Moving Castle today! Mod help me.

I know I shouldn't be this upset about it. Rationally, I know that his dissertation is incredibly important and he needs to finish it soon and make it the best he can, but irrationally I kind of horribly want him to have a mini breakdown and come to me for comfort and then I'd make him feel better and then he'd go back to it all happy and finish it sooner. That is the only scenario in which I can imagine him seeing me at the moment. I guess I just thrive on misery, being a horrible person an' all. Anyhoo, I've pretty much given up on all hope of seeing him before I go home. He said he wasn't expecting to be finished by the 8th of June, and I leave on the 16th, so... He also basically dismissed the idea of me visiting him in summer. I'll ask him again (if I ever see him again, that is), but that really sucked.

Ha! So much for not whining. Might as well get it all out.

Facebook is a little bitch of a cuntbucket, and in no way resembles a good way to keep in touch. With Owen, at least. Although it is probably just my neuroticism, that I read the worst things into what he says and always come to the conclusion that I am just annoying him every time I send him a message or a funny picture or anything, and he wishes he had never agreed to go out with me.

So, um. I'll finish with something nice.

I'm Secretary for Kempo now! Teresa gave me a huuuuuge file full of paperwork in our handing-over meeting, and I'm now expected to deal with things like grading forms and the closing ceremony (which is on Thursday, although Teresa is now the Treasurer and still on the committee so she's been organising the sake and stuff already), which is going to be interesting.

Just drinking and weeping. That's not pathetic at all, is it? No, I didn't think so.

*stabs self in the face*

Woah.

I've just looked at my last few posts and HOLY SHIT DO I WHINE LIKE A BITCH. I'm sorry. I'm really sorry. I hope no-one is reading this, because that is just embarrassing. I may delete the last one. Yep, I'm going to delete it. My God.

Bah.

whine whine whine bitch moan moan CRY

Sneaky panic spiral setting in. Why can't I just be cool and not paranoid about every little thing? Why do I read so much shit into what people (oh, FINE: person) say? Why can't I just be confident that for ONCE someone does actually like me and isn't going to suddenly realise that, oh wait, he actually doesn't, and is perplexed as to why he even agreed to go out with me in the first place because I'm SO ANNOYING AND FAT AND UGLY AND NEEDY AND OBSESSIVE.

Antsy!

Fuck's sake. I've only been seeing Owen for a week and a bit and I'm already getting impatient for seeing and touching him when I haven't for a few days. Muh. *pouts* I should NOT have been responsible and told him I needed to revise when he suggested meeting up tonight. WANT.

Oo-er.

I asked Owen out on Friday. We have since been on two... dates. Yes, dates. Just to let you know.

FUCK YEAH

I freaking passed my freaking grading! Fourth kyu, bitches. That's right.

Very, very strangely, I wasn't that nervous going in. Mostly just hungry! I never eat before Kempo because I'm scared that I'll work too hard and have to run out and throw it all up again, so I didn't have breakfast (and then didn't end up eating in the Crown until about 1:30pm).

Last night we all congregated at the boys' house to eat pizza (which Emma provided) and watch martial arts films. I left with way too much time to spare, so after going to the Co-Op to pick up the usual bags of Tangfastics and Minstrels I had to waste time by wandering down past Turner Sims and back up the stairs by the Union before heading towards Sirdar Road, walking slowly. Got there about 10 minutes before everyone else, and Greg, Emma and Emma's sister Nick were playing Little Big Planet. Greg tutored me for a bit with grappling and stuff, then everyone else turned up so we turned the Playstation off.

Charley, Natalie and Andy were next, then... Owen, I think, and Shaun. Well, we ended up with Urs, Gemma, Greg, Emma, Nick, Andy, me, Charley, Owen, Josh, Gus, Natalie, Shaun and Teresa. The living room was so warm with everyone in it! Very unusual.

While we were waiting for people to arrive, Urs put on Bill and Ted's Excellent Adventure, which was just... well. Excellent! Very funny, very absurd. Go see. After everyone got there, Urs started cooking the garlic bread and pizzas (of which there were many!), and we watched The Killing Machine, which is a Japanese movie VERY LOOSELY based on the life of Doshin So. We all enjoyed it, and of course Josh said it was the best film he had ever seen. We despair. There are so many weird little scenes in it; in one, Doshin So picks up an automatic rifle and fires it around a room yelling "SHIIIIIIIIIIT!!" when he hears that the Japanese have surrendered. In another, he gets his entire school of kenshi to chase a duck around the room. We also learned that uwa uke doesn't work against a katana! There's a scene where Doshin So is realising that "strength and love can never be separated" and comes up with the term rikiaifuni, and the camera zooms in on his eyes looking rather wide and crazy, and Teresa said that when Olly-Sensei next does the howa about rikiaifuni all we'll be able to think of is Sonny Chiba's crazy epiphany eyes.

Most people left after we saw that one, but I stayed with Owen, Teresa and Andy and we watched Drunken Master, a film with Jackie Chan which was alternately very slapstickly comical and horrifically depressing. After that we said our goodbyes and headed home. I am conflicted about this next part. Teresa and Andy were headed the other way down Sirdar Road, so Owen and I walked up alone together. I had resolved to ask him out for a drink when I had the chance, but I couldn't bring myself to do it. Looking back, asking him at 12:10am, 10 hours or so before my very first grading, wouldn't have been a very good idea, especially if he'd said no. Anyway. We parted ways and I swore at myself quietly until I got home.

The grading! That's what you're here for, not my conflicted whining. I got down to the uni at about 9:25am - we were all meeting in the Union beforehand to be shuttled over to Exile Gym in various cars. I went with Olly and Min in their new shiny car with Shogo and Teresa. Shogo and I ended up being grading partners because Andy hurt his knee on Saturday and Olly decided not to put him in for grading because he wasn't ready for it.

We got to the gym all together and trooped upstairs to get changed. It's a very cool place. They have a section of mats near the front, a sort of caged-off fighting ring, then a boxing ring, a dance studio (where we had our grading), and various changing rooms along the back wall. There was also a small bar with a table-and-chairs area near the entrance. We all got together to start the session, then Sensei Peter sent the graders off to the dance studio (apart from Min and James who sat in the table-and-chairs bit to do their philosophy - I can't imagine ever getting to nidan myself!) while he carried on with the session.

The grading really wasn't as bad as I had been led to believe. We had Sensei Chris, while Sensei Russell took Teresa and Shaun for Teresa's grading. We started with some kihon, but really didn't do very much before going on to rolls and techniques. My rolls weren't too bad, surprisingly! Especially with them being on a hard floor. Dai sharin was easy, but then it always is. Yoko ukemi could have been better, but I managed to get myself up quickly, and my renhenko was pretty good. At the start Sensei Chris had us kiai-ing on every mei uchi, but Sensei Russell complained that Teresa and Shaun couldn't hear him over our noise, so he changed it to every tenth count. Result! Olly had been stressing for ages that we had to be LOUD, so I think we did that well.

There was another white belt (Paul? I think that was his name...) from Sensei Peter's club grading with me, Shogo, Josh and Gus. Josh and Gus got talking to him later, and said he was a lovely guy, but in the grading he seemed extremely awkward. He didn't kiai at all, and his techniques were pretty hesitant. According to Josh and Gus, he had had no mock gradings at all and had no idea of what to expect in the actual grading, which was quite worrying. I am now very grateful that Olly pushes us so hard!

The techniques were all fine. Because there was an odd number of us, after us four had done our techniques, Sensei Chris would get one of the boys to attack for Paul. Never me, for some reason. Not sure why. After our techniques Sensei Chris got us all round and gave us some advice on how to make them better. There was quite a lot we could have done! Yori nuki, kote nuki, gyaku gote all needed work (though not ude juji, surprisingly), as well as uwa uke geri, weirdly. Apparently we weren't getting off the centre line when we blocked.

After we'd done the end of grading formalities, we went back to the training session and tried out our techniques with the advice that Sensei Chris had given us. It must have been the most relaxed session I'd ever been to! Shogo and I were practicing our techniques, and every so often an instructor would come over and show us something we could improve on, but other than that we were left completely to our own devices. Later Emma said she and Urs spent about an hour on gyaku gote. It made me realise how regimented we are in the uni club. I think I probably prefer Olly's teaching style (though I'll be biased, I 'spect), because he makes us work a lot harder, and as a result we just seem more disciplined with our techniques. Maybe. I don't know.

After the training session, we got changed, and Emma drove me, Teresa and Min back to the uni to get a shower, because the showers in Exile Gym are apparently really not very good. After showering we made our way to the Crown, as per usual, ordered food, etc., etc.. Shogo went home straight after the grading, which was a shame, as Olly told us at the pub that we'd all passed. We left about 3:15pm, to meet again at Urs and Greg's at 7:30pm. I went home, washed my gi, and fell asleep for about an hour. I am still exhausted.

Got to the boys' house and just lazed around for 4 and a half hours. Awesomesauce. Emma, Greg, Gemma, Urs and Josh were already there when I arrived, and Gus turned up a little later; Owen later than that. We watched Kill Bill Vol. 2, for Josh, then Gus went home (to sleep!) and we watched Judge Dredd. I was falling asleep during most of the second movie.

After Judge Dredd, Owen, Josh and I skedaddled. Came home, ironed my gi, am now typing this.

I have a very impressive bruise on the underside of my right upper arm from all the ude juji we've been doing, plus a huge one on my right forearm (which is sadly fading now), one on my right wrist also from ude juji, and various ones on my left arm. My arms are also veeerrrry sore now.

Oh God.

I have resolved to ask Owen out for a drink. After the grading, though, because we'll both be less wound-up, and hopefully more relaxed means happier and more prone to optimism and saying yes to things. We shall see, I suppose. If he says no, I'm going to try and calmly request that he not start avoiding me and making things awkward, because I'd still like to be his friend, even if I can't be more than that. If he says yes, I need to steel myself and not scare him away by leaping at him/screaming/crying/falling over.

Well, shit.

Olly wants me to do my grading in two weeks. I AM TERRIFIED. I have no idea how I'm going to be able to learn all the Japanese for the kihon in that time, plus I have to do this fucking 3000-word essay on the hydrological cycle in 3 and a half weeks, plus I need to actually keep up with my notes and things. And buy a lab-coat. And probably do something else terribly important. Damn.

Kempo is kind of taking over my life a little bit. I'm not sure if I mind or not. It's mostly Owen, and my yellow belt grading. I actually had a dream where I was trying to remember the Japanese for moving forwards at a 45° angle (mae chidori ashi), then half-woke up when I did remember, thought "I need to remember that", then went back to sleep and forgot it.

I need to remember my Japanese vocab! Oh God! I am going to die! What can I remember off the top of my head?

mae - forward
ushiro/ato - backward
hidari - left
migi - right
chudan gamae - aggressive stance? Apparently just 'stance'
gassho-rei - well, rei
seiretsu - line up
sashi komi ashi - step forwards (don't change stance)
sashi kae ashi - step forwards (change stance)
zuki - punch
geri - kick
jodan - head
chudan - chest area? ish?

Okay, I need to cheat now.

kani ashi - step sideways
zen tenkan - turn 180°

I knew those! Goddamn it. Right. Getting off the computer. I need to write these down. Shit, I need to know 'back hand punch' and everything like that, too. *breaks down*

I do want to grade, I really do, and I do want to do it for myself, but there's a part of me thinking "Owen will think so much less of you if you don't grade this month, or if you fail", so I REALLY MUST DO IT! I also need to remember that I'm not actually going out with him. My mind does like to think that, and it's a dangerous thing to think.

Yay!

I love impromptu invitations to people's houses to play Guitar Hero and watch crappy movies. I fucking love them. I got a text from Emma at about 7pm yesterday evening saying that Guitar Hero and crappy movies were on offer at Urs and Greg's house if I wanted to go over. HELL YES.

I ended up not being too bad at the drums, surprisingly. I wasn't particularly great on the guitar, but then again I had it on easy which was just boring. We watched Attack the Block after GH, which was... hmm. Many times we couldn't quite understand what they were saying. "BELIEVE!" Then we watched Family Guy while we waited for Josh to turn up. After that, Urs was going through the movies on his hard drive and I went a wee bit mental for Kill Bill Part One. Josh had never seen it. *shocked face* I KNOW. As the film was starting Greg was poking me with a bamboo stick, so I fought him for it and WON.

My God, we watched a lot of TV last night. After Kill Bill I noticed that Urs had Cowboy Bebop (as well as Game of Thrones, Firefly, Avatar: The Last Airbender, and Farscape - fantastic taste!) and pointed it out. Owen seemed rather impressed that I had watched it. Watched the first episode, then dusted off the evening with the first episode of Game of Thrones because Owen hadn't seen it. It was about 3am by the time we left.

I love love LOVE the Kempo guys. LOVE THEM. I'm probably being horribly creepy by proclaiming that, but I'm just really happy that I've found people who like the same things as me, and are funny and intelligent and just plain awesome.

Kill me now.

We went out last night for Niki and Callum's pyjama/onesie party. Long story short: I got horribly drunk and ended up kissing some random guy who grabbed my waist. It was pretty gross, and completely ruined my first kiss (though the VSers have reassured me that I can write it off - it didn't count because I was drunk and it was gross). I'm now paranoid that everyone thinks I'm someone who goes around kissing anyone they meet and gets drunk all the time. That's the first time they've seen me drunk, too, which kind of makes it worse.

"i kinda like you. please like me back."

My God. I just stopped typing because I was distracted by the thought of your smile. That's a bit... Well. Oh dear. Fuck, I'm pathetic.

Dear God, but it is a gorgeous smile.

Fuck, I'm Hungry

I haven't eaten properly for days. And I'm feeling too lazy to go to Sainsbury's and stock up. I will have to do that after Maths, as well as do my washing and cook a pasta bake to sustain me for a while. I'm going to go and cook tortellini RIGHT NOW because my stomach has been angry at me all day.

I also need to go to training more than freaking once a week after exams. I should go to all of them, though probably not the Saturday morning session. Too much!

Cinemaaaaa

Yesterday evening I went to the cinema with the Kempo folks. I met Josh outside Hartley and we walked down to the interchange to meet Owen, because we had no idea where Cineworld was. I'm really glad I'm doing more with them, like movie nights and actually going to the pub after training, because although I'm pretty sure I'm The One Nobody Wants To Get Lumped With in training, they're still all very nice and funny and like the same sorts of things and don't make me feel inadequate. (Well, apart from Dimitris. He talks to me but he makes it pretty clear that he gets incredibly frustrated with me when I can't do a technique and will avoid being partnered with me at all costs.)

Anyway, we got on the bus and it took about half an hour to get down to the green just across the road from the entrance to Dock Gate 4. Very nice bus journey, with good conversation. Lots of movie talk, and they discovered that I haven't seen Alien so there are plans for a rectifying movie night. We actually have quite a lot in common, which is unusual. For me, at least. I'm finding it absolutely wonderful that my uni friends watch and love Rocky Horror and read Lord of the Rings and A Song of Ice and Fire.

Got to the bus-stop, and walked down to Cineworld, only Owen couldn't quite remember where it was so we ended up going around it before actually finding it. We were about half an hour early so we just sat and poked through the What's On? catalogue things. At about 18:55, Min, Olly and Niamh arrived, so we went in to see the movie.

Haywire! It was very good, though a leetle confusing at times. It was about a woman who works for a private company doing something violent, and she is contracted by the government to save a Chinese man who had been speaking out against the government. Or something. I'm not quite sure. Anyhoo, after that she is sent to Dublin to pretend to be the wife of a British agent, but is betrayed and has to go on the run. Basically, it's an MMA fighter beating up a load of A-list celebrities. Go see!

After the film, Min, Olly and Niamh left, and me, Owen and Josh walked up to the Civic Centre to get the bus back to Highfield. We were sat on the U2B for aaaaages before it actually left, so Owen started telling us about his America trip and I finally got to tell someone that I used to live on a boat, which they both found incredibly cool. We got off near the Co-op on Burgess Road, so they could get what looked like ALL THE BEER and I could get some much-needed chocolate.

We walked to Urs and Greg's house where we proceeded to drink beer, eat chocolate, and watch an awful film called Drive Angry. One of THE worst films I have ever seen! But sometimes awful films are the best, and it was wonderfully stupid. After watching Nicholas Cage drink, smoke, fuck and shoot all at the same time, we watched a few episodes of Family Guy. Urs seems to have every TV programme imaginable on his laptop. Owen said he had five seasons of Farscape on his hard-drive, so he's going to lend them to me.

I think I might be starting to get rather attached to Owen. Okay, that's a lie. I know I am getting incredibly attached to Owen. And attached is interchangeable with attracted in this context. I feel horribly fickle after thinking that Doug is really nice and I might like to ask him out sometime, but that was before I had actually properly started to get to know Owen. Bah.

Huh.

I have noticed a distinct lack of pictures in my posts. BORING!

...


Well, I don't actually know what kind of pictures I should put up.

A-HA! I know...

Isn't he gorgeous? My friend Izzy got him for me for Christmas/my birthday (because he was pretty expensive). Proof that she is the best present-buyer EVAR. I now have three Matt Smiths staring at me in my room.

OOH! Also, my Montana flag!

...from Bit and DB. I have my Montana Sheriff's badge on RIGHT NOW, too.

Erm, what else? Oh yes! Here is a picture of Greg attacking me with a "knife" at the Kempo Christmas Closing Ceremony. Hurrah!

Well, hopefully this glut of pictures will be satisfactory for a while. I need to remember to make my posts more colourful and less depressing.

Whoopee!

Two exams down, two to go.

I had Biogeo yesterday, and then Earth & Ocean today. Both multiple choice, which was WONDERFUL. Unfortunately, it looks like multiple choice will only be around for this first year. I suppose after this we're supposed to actually properly know things off the top of our heads.

French tomorrow. My God. I am going to fail so hard. Okay, so I probably won't fail. But I will definitely not do amazingly.

Maths on Monday. I haven't done any revision yet - I'm counting on having tomorrow evening, Friday morning and evening, Saturday and Sunday (and Monday morning) to learn my shiz. It shouldn't be too bad...

Things You Wanted To Yell To The Sky Today But Didn't

I WANT SOME SEX!

Or alternatively:

SOMEONE PLEASE LOVE ME IN EVERY SENSE OF THE WORD!

Sorry readers.

Guh, this is pathetic. I haven't even had sex yet and I'm craving it. Is it hormones? It's probably hormones. It's always hormones. Fuckin' hormones. (Ha! Literally, in this case. Actual fucking hormones.) I've read enough porn to arouse a eunuch. Are you even allowed to be horny if you've never done the deed? AGH. *stomps around*

But it's not just about the sex, of course. I don't particularly want to go and do it with whoever grabs me first in some skanky club. (Not that they would grab me.) I want a boyfriend, I want someone who will tell me I'm funny and beautiful and laugh at the same things I laugh at and find the same things interesting that I do and YES have sex with me and kiss me and not care that I'm hairy and all that jazz because at the moment my friends can do all the laughing and finding things interesting and the reassuring me that I'm funny and pretty but they can't really fulfill those last few.

Fuck's sake. Maybe I should just leap on D next time I see him and ask him if he wants to go to the pub or something. BUT HE WON'T.