So, many things have happened recently. I say many. There have been a few. For one, I went to the doctor and got given a prescription for an antidepressant and advised to go and see a counsellor. Another one is that O came back for the last week of term. We'll focus on this one.
Jesus, where to begin? On Wednesday, as we were chopping up vegetables and preparing things for our house Christmas meal, I got a Facebook message from O asking if I would like to have lunch with him the next day to catch up. This was completely out of the blue (as I had been convinced he hated me after I sent him a rather clingy and not very well-worded email), so I was quite perturbed and didn't know what to do. I eventually replied and said yes, that would be great. It actually was fine in the end. I was so terrified that it would be awful, but we are surprisingly good at making things not-awkward when we need to, so it was actually a very nice chat. I thought that, as he seemed to be over me completely and fine with us just being friends, that would help me get rid of my last remnants of romantic feeling for him and move on.
That evening it was the K Xmas Closing Ceremony, which was much fun, and of course there was sake in the dojo and then sake in the showers. I was very merry by the time we left the SUSU building. In the Stag's there was much drinking and talking and eating of pizza, and Tenchi Ken Dai Beeru (or TKD Ginger Joe, in mine and N's case). I got very, very drunk. So did everyone else, so that's not overly bad. I ended up telling both T and S that I have been rather in love with J for a while, but not much discussion happened. However, I was also losing my inhibition about talking to and getting overly friendly with O. When we finally left, we made our way to the K House.
We all slobbed on the sofa for a while, which is where the bad things began. O and I got very cuddly, and, although I had asked T to stop me doing anything stupid which she tried to do, I told her that it was okay to leave me with him and not to force me to go home. Stupid. Most people went home, and I stayed over with O. I don't need to describe the night in detail, I'm sure you can guess what happened.
Drink is a difficult beast. It was great that I wasn't so awkward around him and I was feeling quite confident about myself, but it also actually made me do the thing in the first place which I am pretty sure was the worst idea in the history of bad ideas. It also made Sleepy O very very forthcoming with his feelings, which did not help at all with the vague "maybe this will help me get over him" notion I had going on.
Being told that you are partly the reason why somebody hasn't been suicidal really really makes you want to be able to be around them all the time to make sure you can continue doing so. When you know you can't be around them all the time and potentially will never be able to ever again, your brain doesn't really know what to do with itself. I am not sure I will now ever be able to get over him, because I know that he still very much likes me (and even needs me, apparently), as I do him. He also talked a lot about why he feels he needs to get the job in L, which made me very, very sad indeed. There are many many issues going on in his mind, and all I want to do is be there and be able to reassure him that he doesn't need to see himself or see the world like he does, because he is so so wonderful as he is.
Anyway, so that happened. I don't think the fact that I hadn't been able to take the proper dosage of my medication for a couple of days helped with my state of mind, either. I told him about those, too, though that may have been a bad idea. He was very sympathetic. I went home about midday, horrifically hungover and just generally feeling awful. The Xmas Meal was that evening, and we hardly spoke. I ended up going home early and crying for a while because I felt so bad about everything. Though I was pretty sure it was a bad idea, I sent him a message on Saturday asking if he would like to stay over one last time, since I wasn't going to see him again before we both went home, but he said he didn't think he should, since he doesn't know when he'd be able to come back consistently again. It was well-meaning and sensible, but I felt so rejected and hurt.
I don't know what to do now. I know I should get on with my life and not wait for him to come back, because there is no guarantee that he will, but I miss him so much. On Friday morning he actually got an email from an old lecturer saying that there was a job going in R, and he is considering applying for it if he doesn't get the one back home. It is ridiculous how much I want him to get the one in R, because that is a much more reachable place.
